snow in boston

it's 9:30am and a rather gray day in boston.  it's that wet sort of snow, the snow that reminds me of living on a lake instead of living near the atlantic ocean.  the snow only seems to stick to this little patch of dirt/gravel, on either side of the "Boston University East" T stop that I can see from my res hall window.  and maybe a few windshields of cars on the side street off of commonwealth ave.  it's a perfect day for me to work on my final exams, being that i don't think the sun is going to pop through the clouds anytime soon.

i think back to where i was last christmas, when i was at such a different place in my life.  i was in the process of beginning to end a very serious relationship with someone who i still love very much, but just wasn't necessarily best for me (or me for him).  and at the same time, was in such distant contact with someone I had loved for almost a decade and never thought I would hear from again.  But we were in touch and we thought it would work, but it won't and I had to resign myself to accepting that love is not always enough.  Even when you think this person is your soul mate.

and on top of all of it, i was still discerning about whether or not to go back to graduate school for social work.  i just knew that i was wearing out and i needed a new direction.  a major change to get me moving again...

so in the healing process, which just began a few weeks ago, i pulled out a book that my brother bought me for Christmas last year and though i had requested this book...i completely lacked any motivation to actually read it.  but suddenly, the title "Eat. Pray. Love." called out to me from my make shift bookshelf next to my XL twin bed, in my cramped dorm room.  and i read it in about 4 days because the deeper i got in, the more i realized that this woman, also named "elizabeth" reminded me of...me...in so many ways.  and i think that a lot of people who read this book could relate to the stories of this woman, the only difference is that she was willing to let it all hang out.  she wrote about her journey through all her struggle, something most of us just want to forget.  but the journey is the most rich and valuable part, as i am just starting to fully understand.

so i'm at home for thanksgiving, sitting on the loveseat in the family room, my dad sitting on the couch and it's late into the night before the big feast.  and i turn to page 149 in the book and suddenly i am able to find peace with these two relationships that were haunting me.  accept the love that i feel for these two entirely different men, accept that i miss them and will probably always miss and love them, but that's okay too.  and i wanted to share this passage here...so that i can always find it, even when the book isn't close at hand.  and so maybe, if someone happens upon this particular entry in my blog, maybe this passage will speak to them.

it's about a page of dialogue between the author, who is in India studying at an Ashram and her friend named richard, who has nicknamed the author, "groceries".  in this passage, she is referring to this man, david, who she loves but cannot seem to make it work with:

"...I seriously believed David was my soul mate."

"He probably was.  Your problem is you don't understand what that word means.  People think a soul mate is your perfect fit, and that's what everyone wants.  But a true soul mate is a mirror, the person who shows you everything that's holding you back, the person who brings you to your own attention so you can change your life.  A true soul mate is probably the most important person you'll ever meet, because they tear down your walls and smack you awake.  But to live with a soul mate forever?  Nah.  Too painful.  Soul mates, they come into your life just to reveal another layer of yourself to you, and then they leave.  And thank God for it.  Your problem s, you just can't let this one go.  It's over, Groceries.  David's purpose was to shake you up, drive you out of that marriage that you needed to leave, tear apart your ego a little bit, show you your obstacles and addictions, break your heart open so new light could get in, make you so desperate and out of control that you had to transform your life, then introduce you to your spiritual master and beat it.  That was his job, and he did great, but now it's over.  Problem is, you can't accept this relationship had a real short shelf life.  You're like a dog at the dump, baby--you're just lickin' at an empty tin can, trying to get more nutrition out of it.  And if you're not careful, that can's gonna get stuck on your snout forever and make your life miserable.  So drop it."

"But I love him."

"So love him."

"But I miss him."

"So miss him.  Send him some love and light every time you think about him, and then drop it.  You're just afraid to let go of the last bits of David because then you'll really be alone, and Liz Gilbert is scared to death of what will happen if she's really alone.  But here's what you gotta understand, Groceries.  If you clear out all that space in your mind that you're using right now to obsess about this guy, you'll have a vacuum there, an open spot--a doorway.  And guess what the universe will do with that doorway?  It will rush in--God will rush in--and fill you with more love than you ever dreamed.  So stop using David to block that door.  Let it go...you gotta stop wearing your wishbone where your backbone oughtta be."

and somehow snow brings me back to that place, those memories and makes me more nostalgic than normal (which is pretty difficult).  and this beautiful paperback book finally found a way to sum up everything i feel in my heart and so even in the chill of winter, i feel the warmth return to my heart.  and i can look ahead with eagerness and joy instead of regret and sorrow.

and perhaps, for once, see the snow as some of the magic of the season of winter/christmas.